In 1950, Dr. Seuss published If I Ran the Zoo. It tells the tale of Gerald McGrew, who imagines he could improve on the dull choices offered by his hometown menagerie. He is not wholly critical. “It’s a pretty good zoo, and the fellow who runs it seems proud of it too.” But McGrew imagines he could do better. He would release the current animals and acquire creatures such as a ten-footed lion and a family of Lunks in a bucket from the wilds of Nantucket. He dreams of zookeeper glory, when “the whole world will say, ‘Young McGrews’s made his mark. / He’s built a zoo better than Noah’s whole Ark!’”
Last summer we posted a series of reflections—some rhymed, some in stately prose, a few sputtered—on the theme of “What would you do if you ran the academic zoo?” This was accompanied by a phil-o-soff-i-cal introduction. NAS hopes to make the pretty good academical zoo better. We welcome constructive suggestions. This summer we will reprint some of the best of last year’s entries along with new ones, and we are adding YouTube videos to the mix.
To start us off, here is my effort to channel Dr. Seuss—and zombies!
2009 If I Ran the Zoo #1: Zombies
by Peter Wood
If I ran the zoo,
I’d appoint the undead,
A zombie or two,
To ensure a diverse
Multicultural stew.
And if they failed to apply,
I’d build a contraption
To entice the averse
With a fermenting action.
If I ran the zoo,
I wouldn’t deny
Admission to ghouls:
Ghoulish culture is rich
And we shouldn’t sit by
When the differently loathsome
Are left in the ditch.
That a ghoul is both glum
And inclined to grave robbery
Is stereotypical
Anti-ghoul demagoguery.
If I ran the zoo,
I’d appoint to the deanery
Gelatinous goo
That devours human beings
But spares all the scenery.
O the prizes we’d glean—
Most Sustainable Quad!
Best New Shade of Green!
Top Academical Sod!—
But credit must go where credit is due,
And with Dean Blob on the job
We’ll be first in the queue.
If I ran the zoo,
I’d make sure every course
Has a small residue
Of Western civ—in Old Norse—
To appease NAS and throw a sop to the trolls;
The rest of the time we’ll serve course casseroles
Made of minced classic texts and whatever is trendy
And served by life forms with many appendi.
If I ran the zoo,
We’d serve students whole—
That’s the latest haut-goût
In res life’s fumarole,
Where midst smoke and distress
And brow-beat confession,
Students learn to say, “Yes,
We’ve oppressed,
We’re oppressing.
We deserve to be cooked,
Stuffed with whole person dressing.”
If I ran the zoo,
I’d hike all the fees,
And while that’s nothing new
I have a new way to squeeze.
We’re offer discounts for those who donate
A kidney (or two), or a lung, or a heart.
We believe each student owes us a part,
And our doctors, though mad, are still pretty smart.
When we’ve used up a student,
Till he’s nothing, he’s spent—
We’ll swap in a robot.
They’re more competent.
If I ran the zoo—
What’s that that you say?
That I haven’t a clue:
It’s already that way?
The zombies, the ghouls,
The Blob, trolls, and Cthulhu
Are already in charge?
Is it so? Is it true?
Well I’m heartened to hear
And I won’t have to sob.
I’ll just stick to my current half-scholastical job.
If I did run the zoo,
I’d miss what I do:
I’m the pres, I preside
At the National Scowlers,
A group of gainsayers,
And grumblers, and growlers
Who are dissatisfied
No matter the players.
If I ran the zoo,
I have to depart,
Say goodbye to the crew,
And I haven’t the heart.
There’s scowling that’s needed
And scowling to do.
So let the zombies be speeded.
They’re in charge; it’s their zoo.
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To submit your ideas of how you would run the higher education zoo, send your text or video submission to [email protected].
